Cattitude

allthat

After recently viewing an episode of Cats 101 on animal planet, my goal of becoming a crazy cat lady has become acceptable, at least in my eyes. Of course the taboo of an old single woman owning hundreds of cats has been given a bad rap by the mass media, specifically the well known Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons. However, shows such as Cats 101 are taking the main stage and providing hope for cat freaks everywhere, such as myself.

This fantastic show, for those who have never seen nor heard of it, documents the numerous different breeds of cats, while also interviewing  “professionals” such as veterinarians and creepy ass men in beards. Wacky side stories about each breed are also included. My favorite TAIL from the new episode last Saturday night was one involving a pussy cat name Percy. Percy lives in the U.K. where he takes a daily train to go to the local zoo, where he not only patiently looks at the animals all day, he takes a special interest in the penguins. Before you pass out from a heart attack of pure excitement, which I almost did, he ALSO finds the train at the end of the day when it’s whistle is blown. This cat is an inspiration for everyone because he’s smart as shit, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have to pay to get in.  Also as noted earlier, I watched this show on a Saturday night after I got off work, slowly making my way to that cat lady status.

People who have me beat in the Crazy Cat Lady department are most definitely old women. Besides the grandchildren that only visit them to receive intricately crocheted washcloths and 5 year old butterscotch candies, cats are all they have to keep them company, unless you have a couple of wacky friends via one of my favorite television shows Golden Girls. Here I found a video of the skanky Rue McClanahan frolicking with dozens of cats, while she is no Bea Arthur, I’ll still listen to her message on why cats are the bees knees, although she seems to be rubbing up a bit too hard on some of the male felines.  Also at the end of the clip, most of the cats look hungry for her bedazzled shoulder pads, or her body, but this just helps me stress responsible cat ownership.

The 350 year old Bob Barker said it best “have your pets spaded or neutered”, while I would love to die alone with numerous cats around me, after you reach the number 25, enough is enough, if you do not have your cats fixed, they will only reproduce and make a big old mess on your plastic covered love seat, and you paid 25 whole dollars for that thing in 1935! Also as mentioned earlier, cats,  would want nothing more to do than eat you alive if you do not care for them properly.  Proper training is necessary in order to make felines the perfect roomate. Take one of my families 5 cats, Snausages, while she is a major league twat to our two dogs and other cats, she pulls her weight around the house by killing mice and birds, and hopefully one day local children, that threaten to get to close to our home. While she may be a complete pain in the ass, she provides protection for our family, and she also had a fantastic set of hair, both things I hope to achieve one day.

While many people view cats as stuck up, in my personal opinion bitches are just jealous, we all wish we could live a life like sweet sweet Percy, drink milk out of a saucer, have someone else scoop our feces from a sandbox, or give us marijuana in the form of catnip. In my personal belief the more cats you own, the more catlike you become, this theory has never been proven however so I would not take my word for it and just let me get eaten alive by the hundreds of cats I hope to own someday.

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