An Old Man’s Guide to Normality


Last week, I discussed the aging woman, via crazy cat lady. This week, old gentlemen are my focus. I work at a local coffee and donut shop; therefore I come into contact with people with all kinds of personalities. Senior men, however are totes mc gotes the most varied and interesting. I feel as though a guide is necessary for men my age in order to prevent an epidemic of creeps from rising, on the other hand, young women need to be trained on how to avoid awkward encounters with older fellows who make awkward advances.

Based on personal experience, it is a tricky situation for an older gentleman customer to present a female worker with a tip without it feeling like a pimp presenting a prostitute with their cash flow. On multiple occasions, I have been given a whole 25 cents and have been told to “save it for gas or a tanning package.” While it is nice this old fella is up on times and gave me permission to drive, I don’t appreciate his subtle bashing of my pale Polish skin.

When old men multiply and come in with their war buddies, the creep levels rise exponentially. This is when the gain the confidence to joking ask female workers questions about their relationship status, or when they are getting off work (a response such as 10:00pm, way past your bedtime is an appropriate answer). Yesterday when I came into work, I was greeted with a lovely story from my friend, lets conceal her identity, Schmelissa. Schmelissa saw a couple of regular old gent customers who frequently occupy the restaurant in the morning. She decided to compliment one of them and yelled “I like your suit,” in response he subtly screamed back “I like your boobs!” This brings me to the proper etiquette for joking around with an old creep. Schmelissa seemed to choose a solid topic to discuss, the man’s wardrobe, however this event went terribly wrong. Another employee, Schmarah (once again concealing their identity), joked with an old man that she could read his mind, and then proceeded to successfully guess his order. The old man then acknowledged if she indeed could read minds, he would be in trouble, implying he wanted to hit that. Schmarahs mistake was discussing this old fellas mind, which was obviously up to no good. Actually there is no difference between Schmelissa or Schmarah’s stories, it is impossible to avoid a seasoned professional creep from acting inappropriate.

Prevention is the key for the younger generation of men. If I prevent one young adult male from turning into a creep ass, my job as a non-paid blogger is complete. The possibility of this happening however does not look good. A male who looked about mid-20’s proved to me that the new slew of creeps is starting to brew. He came into my work, ordered a cup of coffee, sat in the lobby, and then went on to show a fellow female employee and me his humongous rager. This may have been a dare, however, I feel as if all hope is lost for his future as a normal functioning member of old man society.

When it comes to old men, it is very difficult to be seen as normal. If they talk too much to a female worker, they are instantly perceived as a creep, if you ignore the employees, you are an old douche bag. A happy medium is difficult to establish, and I sure as hell have no idea where it should be. The best advice I can give is after the age of 60, quarantine yourself in your home with your own coffee brewer and Matlock reruns; if you get some of your buddies in with you I can smell the hottest reality show for next summer “Survivor: Viagra.”

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